ARCADIA HAS FALLEN
A One-Act Play
By
Derwin Mak
copyright (c) 2013 by Derwin Mak
Performed at Futurecon 4, Radisson Toronto East Hotel, Toronto, December 31, 2013.
For your consideration: nominate this play for a 2014 Aurora Award for Best Related Work – English (www.prixaurorawards.ca) and a 2014 Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation – Short Form (www.loncon3.org/hugo_awards.php).
pdf download version available here.
Dramatis Personae:
DAVID CAMERON, Prime Minister
CHARLOTTE MOORE, Controller of BBC One
STEVEN MOFFAT, TV Producer
ELIZABETH II, Queen
Enter DAVID CAMERON and CHARLOTTE MOORE
DAVID CAMERON:
Ms. Moore, I hope Steven Moffat arrives before Her Majesty does.
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
Yes, Prime Minister, he will come on time. I told him that the Queen will be here to meet him.
DAVID CAMERON:
Oh, here he comes.
Enter STEVEN MOFFAT.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
(To Charlotte Moore): Charlotte! It isn't every day that I see you.
(Turns to David Cameron): And Prime Minister! Glad to meet you!
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
It isn't every day that a BBC show gets over ten million viewers in the U.K. alone. As Controller of BBC One, I would like to congratulate you on our most successful program ever.
DAVID CAMERON:
And as Prime Minister, I too congratulate you on the audience figures for the Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary special.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
That was nothing. Wait 'til the tenth anniversary 3-D special of Sherlock.
DAVID CAMERON (apprehensively):
Ah, yes, we will have to discuss your future in the television industry. Indeed, the highest levels of our government have noticed your achievements.
Enter ELIZABETH II.
DAVID CAMERON (bowing):
Your Majesty.
CHARLOTTE MOORE (curtseying):
Your Majesty.
STEVEN MOFFAT (staring at Elizabeth II):
Oh my God, it's the Queen! Liz Two!
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
Moffat! Don't just stare at her! This isn't the Queen from your bloody fiftieth anniversary special.
STEVEN MOFFAT (bowing):
Oh, nice to meet you, ma'am.
ELIZABETH II:
Are you Steven Moffat?
STEVEN MOFFAT:
Yes, I am, ma'am.
ELIZABETH II:
Did you produce the Doctor Who special that was seen by millions of people in ninety-four countries around the world?
STEVEN MOFFAT:
Yes, indeed, ma'am.
ELIZABETH II:
Do you know why I have summoned you?
STEVEN MOFFAT:
If I have to guess: am I to receive the Order of the British Empire for my excellent contributions to British television and culture?
ELIZABETH II:
Hah! You fool! Do you really think I would give you a knighthood after what you did to Amy and Rory?
STEVEN MOFFAT:
Uh – if you wish, I can bring them back next season. In 3-D!
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
(To Elizabeth II): Your Majesty, if I may.
(Then to Steven Moffat): Steven, as much as we like what you've done with Doctor Who, you've created a problem for Her Majesty's Government.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
And what could that be?
DAVID CAMERON:
You inserted a new Doctor between Number Eight and Number Nine. John Hurt.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
Why is that a problem?
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
He throws the numbering system of Doctors off kilter. Is John Hurt the Ninth Doctor? Or is Christopher Eccleston still the Ninth Doctor? And what numbers do David, Matt, and Peter have now?
STEVEN MOFFAT:
But John Hurt isn't the Doctor. He destroyed Gallifrey, a terrible thing that no one would do in the name of the Doctor.
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
But in the scene where the Doctors talk to the War Council of Gallifrey, John Hurt calls himself the Doctor. And Peter Capaldi's Doctor says there are thirteen Doctors in orbit around Gallifrey. That makes Capaldi number thirteen, not twelve.
DAVID CAMERON:
Plus the John Hurt Doctor didn't actually destroy Gallifrey. He froze it in time.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
Okay, John Hurt is the War Doctor. He doesn't have a number. There, problem solved.
DAVID CAMERON:
Not so quickly, Sherlock! It's a problem because my government has been using Doctor Who as a secret propaganda tool of British foreign policy.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
You were doing what with Doctor Who?
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
Steven, you didn't know this, but we were exporting Doctor Who to foreign countries to brainwash foreigners into liking Britain. Once they were brainwashed, we could negotiate all sorts of deals with them, all to our benefit, of course.
DAVID CAMERON:
Britain lost most of its colonies after the war. Our empire is reduced to just a few islands in the Caribbean.
ELIZABETH II:
It's a very depressing situation, really. I never had some of the goodies that my father had – like India.
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
But with Doctor Who, we were winning again. Doctor Who is the most popular science fiction TV series in Argentina. Argentina! We were this close to getting them to give up all claims to the Falklands!
DAVID CAMERON:
We have not had so many Americans love us since the Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show.
ELIZABETH II:
We had become so popular in America that when the U.S. Government shut down, I expected President Obama to call me and ask me to take back his rebellious colonies. I would be Queen of America, regaining what George the Third had lost.
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
The Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special could have regenerated the British Empire. But you sonic screwed up our plans.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
No, I didn't! It's the most watched British television program in history! Bigger than Coronation Street!
DAVID CAMERON:
But you left millions of Doctor Who fans debating over whether John Hurt or Christopher Eccleston is the Ninth Doctor. And when Doctor Who fans debate, they get into flame wars and fan feuds. They get angry and bitter.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
So let them! That's what sci-fi fans do.
ELIZABETH II:
But now we are no longer beloved. The fans are no longer obedient colonials. At this moment, hordes of Doctor Who fans are converging on British embassies around the world, demanding to know why we upset the numbering system of the Doctors.
DAVID CAMERON:
This is our worst foreign policy crisis since the Suez Canal raid. We've had to increase security at all our embassies and consulates.
ELIZABETH II:
We are not amused. I was almost Queen of America. I could have conquered Argentina. But no, you ruined our plans with your absurd War Doctor.
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
So this is what you are going to do, Steven. You will find a way to explain how John Hurt's Doctor fits into the numbering system without renumbering the Doctors. If you must, take the next season to do it.
DAVID CAMERON:
You need to do this so we can use Doctor Who to brainwash foreign minds again.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
I don't have time to do this. I'm working on Sherlock.
ELIZABETH II:
If you do not do this, I will convert the Tower of London into a prison again, and you can spend the rest of your life there, pretending you work for U.N.I.T.
DAVID CAMERON (taking out his cell phone):
Just got a text from the Foreign Office. A mixed mob of David Tennant fangirls and retired British pensioners has stormed the British consulate in Arcadia, Florida.
CHARLOTTE MOORE:
Blimey, Arcadia has fallen!
ELIZABETH II:
We are not amused! Can this crisis get any worse?
DAVID CAMERON:
If this is what happens with Doctor Who, I fear what may happen with the new season of Sherlock. We may have to send One Direction to San Diego Comic-Con.
STEVEN MOFFAT:
What's the problem? Can't we just send Prince William and Kate on another goodwill tour to America and the colonies?
ELIZABETH II:
We are not amused. Moffat, you're going to the Tower, and this time, I will lock the door.
END